My dad was telling me a story the other day about when he first moved to the county where he grew up. I guess he went to his mom and said something about being scared that he couldn't make new friends. And he said his mom told him, he had to go out there and sell himself and make people want to be his friend.
Now, I never met his mom, she died before I was born. But I think that statement is pretty telling. It shows something about a person. And the thing is the statement is true.
You can mope around all you want about how your life is miserable and no one likes you. It won't change a damn thing. And you know what - no one will like you because you can't sell yourself. Who wants to hang out with the kid who looks like someone kicked him? No one.
People want to hang out with people that make them feel good. That push them to be better people. Someone they connect with and can share things with. People that are out there doing cool things. That's what that statement means.
I've taken it to heart recently and decided to put myself out there more. So what if someone says no. It doesn't matter. The only way you'll ever know something is if you try. That statement really made me think hard about myself. Do I sell myself? Am I someone I'd want to be friends with? My first agenda item is just signing up for that darn spin class at gym that scares the pants off me and just trying it. So what if I'm the girl in the back dying as she barely clings to a bike. At least I did it. If I can conquer spin class - I can probably conquer the world. (Or at the very least I read you can burn upwards of 600 calories an hour - size 0 jeans here I come).... All kidding aside, spin is good for a few reasons - I'll see new people, I'll be exercising (who doesn't love some good ass-kicking cardio???), and I'm doing something new. And trying something new gets you outside your box. Gives you something interesting to talk about. So we'll see how it goes.
The thing is - you can't come across a desperate loser in search of a new BFF. But it's ok to ask someone to coffee. Or tell someone how fabulous you are (within reason - no five hour convo about how great you look when you wake up). Or join a new group. The more you push yourself the easier it will be. Let go of all that negativeness.
What's the best piece of advice you've ever heard?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Where Do You Fall?
I've come to realize something as you get older you unwittingly fall into groups. Admittedly there are subgroups within any group. But I think there are a few main groups: Single And Loving It (SALI), Just Dating (JD), Married No Kids (MNK), and Married With Kids (MWK). The problem is a MNK is a bit trapped in the middle of all these groups with no real place to call home.
Let's explain:
You aren't a SALI - sure going out to bars and staying up until all hours of the night talking about bad dates and fashion can be fun but you have a ring wrapped firmly around your finger which clearly states for all the singles you moved past a bad date. To them you can't relate. You're the married friend they call occasionally for a Girl/Guy Night Out or when they want to go to a movie, or when they want to test drive a new boyfriend with a couple's date. You cannot be their go-to guy or gal pal because you simply do not have the time or energy to commit to them.
The JDs might have been dating two weeks, two months or two years. They fall happily into coupledom and can flirt back and forth between the SALIs and the MNK pretty easily. They are one bad fight away from being a SALI and one romantic night away from being a MNK. They can relate to either group. The thing with JDs - they aren't reliable to either group. They still remember their SALI days and want to live it up but they also like cuddling on the sofa and meeting other couples for wine. They are just as stuck as MNKs because they haven't fully committed to each other or a group. They're so wrapped up in their new special someone they don't have the energy to reach out to anyone but solid BFFs. Acquaintances, groups and miscellaneous extras fall by the roadside as they are swept up in that new love glow.
And the MWKs. Those little bundles of joy came complete with their own network of friends. They bond over play dates and messy diapers. The other three groups simply can't relate to every aspect of parenthood because no matter how much you want to claim that dog, cat or fish is just like a baby - it simply isn't. The MWKs don't need the other three groups of friends as much. This ready made group they hopped into with baby in tow is usually enough. Just as SALIs, JDs, and MNKs can't relate to them - those endless nights of gossip fest, shopping sprees and barhopping are nothing but a distant memory. Sure, they can scrounge up enough money for a babysitter occasionally but most parents won't ditch their kid with a pimply-faced 15 year old and party like a rock star or take weekend trips every time the girls/guys call excitedly with new plans. Nights out without kids are treats and most likely are saved for that special once a month date night.
And the MNKs. I'll be just as honest even if I am in this group myself. We're trapped. As I said we're not a SALI, JD or MWK. We're simply married. We may have ventured into test parenthood with puppies and kittens but we're not fully committed to giving up our independence for a screaming baby. As I like to say puppies can be locked in kitchens when I go out... with babies someone would call social services. We can relate to the MWKs but sometimes it feels like too much work. Not that we don't love children but you inevitably will get the when are you going to have a little bundle of joy question because if there is one thing about MWKs they want the rest of the world to quickly follow suit and join them. And as I mentioned with the SALIs... we may want to think we're still young and hip enough to hang with the best of them but at some point you can't relate to bad date number 48 or that crazy night that was just like college. Besides SALIs are the most independent. They can get up and go and as much as a MNK, JD or MWK might not want to admit it - we simply can't. We're one half of a partnership. You owe something to that person to come home occasionally and have dinner and watch Netflix. And as boring as that sounds - there is also something to say about saving money (no more huge bar tabs and expensive dinner outs) and consistency (that story about your no good really awful bad day has a listener).
The thing is being an MNK and wanting to meet some new friends - I think it's one of the hardest groups to meet people. The JDs are just single enough to still cling to their SALI friends. SALIs seem to have an endless round of BFFs that filter in and out of their lives like a casting call. They can easily commit to this group or that and its easier to meet people without someone else in tow. And MWK can use those little tots as instant glue to friendship (play dates and mommy's morning out anyone). MNKs have to search each other out and then you have to hope that your significant other likes your potential friends significant other. Do you know how hard it is to maintain a friendship when your husband simply does not want to spend time with said friends husband/fiance/boyfriend? You end up fighting a losing battle. Said boys have little or nothing in common, while the girls cling desperately to the hope they can bond over baseball or Dexter or something equally as ridiculous. The same is true for the guys though - they may hope you bond with their friends new gal pal but there is only so much chatting about reality TV and Loft that even I can take. If you can't find some common ground hobby gal pal will never move pass acquaintance you put up with for the husband.
I'll continue this thread another day but these are my initial thoughts. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you add a group or add something to my descriptions of the groups?
Let's explain:
You aren't a SALI - sure going out to bars and staying up until all hours of the night talking about bad dates and fashion can be fun but you have a ring wrapped firmly around your finger which clearly states for all the singles you moved past a bad date. To them you can't relate. You're the married friend they call occasionally for a Girl/Guy Night Out or when they want to go to a movie, or when they want to test drive a new boyfriend with a couple's date. You cannot be their go-to guy or gal pal because you simply do not have the time or energy to commit to them.
The JDs might have been dating two weeks, two months or two years. They fall happily into coupledom and can flirt back and forth between the SALIs and the MNK pretty easily. They are one bad fight away from being a SALI and one romantic night away from being a MNK. They can relate to either group. The thing with JDs - they aren't reliable to either group. They still remember their SALI days and want to live it up but they also like cuddling on the sofa and meeting other couples for wine. They are just as stuck as MNKs because they haven't fully committed to each other or a group. They're so wrapped up in their new special someone they don't have the energy to reach out to anyone but solid BFFs. Acquaintances, groups and miscellaneous extras fall by the roadside as they are swept up in that new love glow.
And the MWKs. Those little bundles of joy came complete with their own network of friends. They bond over play dates and messy diapers. The other three groups simply can't relate to every aspect of parenthood because no matter how much you want to claim that dog, cat or fish is just like a baby - it simply isn't. The MWKs don't need the other three groups of friends as much. This ready made group they hopped into with baby in tow is usually enough. Just as SALIs, JDs, and MNKs can't relate to them - those endless nights of gossip fest, shopping sprees and barhopping are nothing but a distant memory. Sure, they can scrounge up enough money for a babysitter occasionally but most parents won't ditch their kid with a pimply-faced 15 year old and party like a rock star or take weekend trips every time the girls/guys call excitedly with new plans. Nights out without kids are treats and most likely are saved for that special once a month date night.
And the MNKs. I'll be just as honest even if I am in this group myself. We're trapped. As I said we're not a SALI, JD or MWK. We're simply married. We may have ventured into test parenthood with puppies and kittens but we're not fully committed to giving up our independence for a screaming baby. As I like to say puppies can be locked in kitchens when I go out... with babies someone would call social services. We can relate to the MWKs but sometimes it feels like too much work. Not that we don't love children but you inevitably will get the when are you going to have a little bundle of joy question because if there is one thing about MWKs they want the rest of the world to quickly follow suit and join them. And as I mentioned with the SALIs... we may want to think we're still young and hip enough to hang with the best of them but at some point you can't relate to bad date number 48 or that crazy night that was just like college. Besides SALIs are the most independent. They can get up and go and as much as a MNK, JD or MWK might not want to admit it - we simply can't. We're one half of a partnership. You owe something to that person to come home occasionally and have dinner and watch Netflix. And as boring as that sounds - there is also something to say about saving money (no more huge bar tabs and expensive dinner outs) and consistency (that story about your no good really awful bad day has a listener).
The thing is being an MNK and wanting to meet some new friends - I think it's one of the hardest groups to meet people. The JDs are just single enough to still cling to their SALI friends. SALIs seem to have an endless round of BFFs that filter in and out of their lives like a casting call. They can easily commit to this group or that and its easier to meet people without someone else in tow. And MWK can use those little tots as instant glue to friendship (play dates and mommy's morning out anyone). MNKs have to search each other out and then you have to hope that your significant other likes your potential friends significant other. Do you know how hard it is to maintain a friendship when your husband simply does not want to spend time with said friends husband/fiance/boyfriend? You end up fighting a losing battle. Said boys have little or nothing in common, while the girls cling desperately to the hope they can bond over baseball or Dexter or something equally as ridiculous. The same is true for the guys though - they may hope you bond with their friends new gal pal but there is only so much chatting about reality TV and Loft that even I can take. If you can't find some common ground hobby gal pal will never move pass acquaintance you put up with for the husband.
I'll continue this thread another day but these are my initial thoughts. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you add a group or add something to my descriptions of the groups?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
It sounds bad to say this but I've had a few BFF in my life. And the worse part - those BFF's... well at various points things have gone there separate ways. Granted not all of it was a bad break with I hate yous and name calling (but there were a few). A lot of it just happened because of time or growing up or people changing or a combination of all three.
Take my best friend from high school - A - for instance. A and I were pretty inseparable, she lived right behind me, we rode the same bus, went to the same school... you get the drift. But then I graduated and went to college and she was two years behind. It just happened. I stopped coming home as much. She couldn't relate to college and I couldn't relate to high school. It wasn't a bad break - we just slowly stopped talking.
On the other hand, there was KC. We were BFF from kindergarten. She also lived in my neighborhood. Also rode my bus. She and I were always over each others houses. I had the big playroom and she would tell me secrets about boys (she had two older brothers). In middle school, KC met a new group of friends. If you've ever seen the movie Mean Girls - that pretty much sums up that group. KC and I also hung out with a third girl. The Mean Girls basically said and KC backed them up - we could only hang out if we ditched the third girl. That didn't seem very nice and I told her so... You can imagine how that went.
And most recently, there was CC. CC and I were college roommates. I think from the moment we met there was a bond. People in college joked if you found one of us, you'd find the other. Let's just say we had a falling out and I apologized for my part in it but when I asked for an apology from her... I haven't heard back.
The thing is, CC's break-up is the freshest. And it sounds strange to say because I was so angry a few months ago (and there are a lot of times when I don't see eye to eye on all of CC's actions) but I miss her. It's a lot like breaking up with a BF. You're with each other 90% of the time and then all of a sudden - you aren't. You always go through this period of - we may get back together - should I call him - he's a jerk... And it's the same with friends. This part of my heart is a bit battered, lonely and missing that other person that knows you so well you can just glance at each other and say volumes. I've debated reaching out to her but I know some other friends and the husband would probably think I'm crazy. And the truth is she hasn't reached out to me since I apologized.... so maybe she doesn't want to be friends. But maybe she's sitting at home missing me too and we're just too stubborn to admit it.
The thing with break-ups is - at some point you have to decide to either let them go or dive back in. With and A and KC, I never dove back in. With A, we've traded a few emails sporadically and the occasional FB (aka Facebook) reach out but that's been it. We live in different states so it might as well be college and high school all over again. And KC, I don't know whatever happened to her. I haven't even gotten that random FB friend request. But CC, it hasn't been that long that I couldn't reach out and say hi and at least be friendly if not friends. But just like a break-up, you have to try to remember why you broke up to begin with. Was their crime so heinous you can't be friends. Or was it a minor offense? At this point... I'm not sure.
Take my best friend from high school - A - for instance. A and I were pretty inseparable, she lived right behind me, we rode the same bus, went to the same school... you get the drift. But then I graduated and went to college and she was two years behind. It just happened. I stopped coming home as much. She couldn't relate to college and I couldn't relate to high school. It wasn't a bad break - we just slowly stopped talking.
On the other hand, there was KC. We were BFF from kindergarten. She also lived in my neighborhood. Also rode my bus. She and I were always over each others houses. I had the big playroom and she would tell me secrets about boys (she had two older brothers). In middle school, KC met a new group of friends. If you've ever seen the movie Mean Girls - that pretty much sums up that group. KC and I also hung out with a third girl. The Mean Girls basically said and KC backed them up - we could only hang out if we ditched the third girl. That didn't seem very nice and I told her so... You can imagine how that went.
And most recently, there was CC. CC and I were college roommates. I think from the moment we met there was a bond. People in college joked if you found one of us, you'd find the other. Let's just say we had a falling out and I apologized for my part in it but when I asked for an apology from her... I haven't heard back.
The thing is, CC's break-up is the freshest. And it sounds strange to say because I was so angry a few months ago (and there are a lot of times when I don't see eye to eye on all of CC's actions) but I miss her. It's a lot like breaking up with a BF. You're with each other 90% of the time and then all of a sudden - you aren't. You always go through this period of - we may get back together - should I call him - he's a jerk... And it's the same with friends. This part of my heart is a bit battered, lonely and missing that other person that knows you so well you can just glance at each other and say volumes. I've debated reaching out to her but I know some other friends and the husband would probably think I'm crazy. And the truth is she hasn't reached out to me since I apologized.... so maybe she doesn't want to be friends. But maybe she's sitting at home missing me too and we're just too stubborn to admit it.
The thing with break-ups is - at some point you have to decide to either let them go or dive back in. With and A and KC, I never dove back in. With A, we've traded a few emails sporadically and the occasional FB (aka Facebook) reach out but that's been it. We live in different states so it might as well be college and high school all over again. And KC, I don't know whatever happened to her. I haven't even gotten that random FB friend request. But CC, it hasn't been that long that I couldn't reach out and say hi and at least be friendly if not friends. But just like a break-up, you have to try to remember why you broke up to begin with. Was their crime so heinous you can't be friends. Or was it a minor offense? At this point... I'm not sure.
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