What Not To Do... Part I (Just incase I want to add more later...)

So this post is going to be my five things that people are doing that are bugging me right now. Complaining? A bit. But I'll try to make it funny. And if you recognize yourself in any of the five.... well... here's your opportunity to change.

1. "It'll be ok." Thanks Pollyanna.

I've stopped saying thanks to this. It's really annoying. Why? You ask. Unless you have some magic ball I don't know about you don't know it's going to be ok. So thanks for saying that but it's meaningless and in someways comes across as patronizing. Here's a fun fact - sometimes life isn't ok. Sometimes life sucks and bad things happen to good people. Maybe just say, "I'm here for you if you need to talk or to cry. We'll get through this."

2. Endless complaining about stupid-minor-in-the-scheme-of-things problems. Is this self-centered on my part? Yes. I'll admit it. But let's face it when someone has something life changing happening to them they don't need to hear you complain about your cat throwing up a hairball, that your husband didn't load the dishwasher again, your grass seed that won't grow, or the fact you can't find the exact shade of purple nail polish you want. Speaking from my own feelings, I want to punch you in the face and then tell you to get a real problem. You should be thanking God that that's all you are worrying about. I get people like to bitch. I'm bitching now. It feels good. But think about it before you say it. Maybe say it to another friend that is equally as upset that their favorite celeb isn't on Glamour this month. They'll care and can give you support I just don't have patience for right now.

I will say I don't think this is just me. I had a friend lose her dad recently and before it happened I had told her my feelings of blind rage at people's petty problems. She said after her dad died she got it. You don't want to hear mindless complaining. I have enough to worry about and I don't have the time, energy or patience for anything that isn't major. If you need a clarification of major events then you're more self-centered than I am right now. If you decide to ignore this point and complain to me endlessly about x problem don't be surprised when I snap at you. You've been warned.

Disclaimer: If you want to briefly mention your problem and then move on - I'm ok with this. It's the people that harp on petty problems that are driving me bonkers. I don't want to or need to hear ten times that your dog dug up your new flower bed. It's not important.

3. "Think of it this way, if you can't get pregnant, you can get a baby another way and keep your figure." Wow. This has been said to me a few times. Do you really think I'm conceited enough to choose being skinny or having a baby? If this is supposed to make me feel better - try again. I don't think anyone is conceited enough to pick thin over having a baby. It doesn't make me feel better. It makes me want to snap at you and considering my patience level is at all time low - you're taking chances saying this. I would gladly take a few extra pounds and the months of hard work to get rid of it in exchange for everything that mom's get to experience. I get I can have a baby another way. But do you not understand that women are raised on the fact that they will get pregnant? There's a good chance I won't know what it feels like to carry a baby, to feel it kick, to see the ultrasound, to carry it with me for nine months and that is absolutely heartbreaking to me right now. Saying I'll be thin forever isn't some fun consolation prize that makes up for it.

4. People that don't do their job. I can guess how much doctor's make so when I ask you to send my records somewhere or ask you for guidance I expect you to give it. Why? Because that's your job. Don't tell me to Google it then say the Internet is full of misinformation. Don't say it's my decision without giving me all the facts. Don't not send things when you say you will. If I didn't do my job I'd get fired. So I don't want any of you to be shocked when I suddenly stop coming to you and I've found a new doctor that's given me what I ask.

Let me clarify for a moment because a lot of people have said well they don't want to tell you anything because they don't want to get sued. I'm not going to sue you for giving me facts. That's ridiculous. I want information. I want to know so I can make an informed decision. I didn't go to med school. I don't get paid the big bucks. You wanted this job so let's man up and do it.

And last but not least for this post, number...

5. "Why don't you wait a few months and stop rushing?" Why does this make me mad? Because I didn't ask your opinion on what we're doing. Because did it occur to you I don't want to wait? That maybe I've had endless hours to think about what I want and I just want to know what I need to do to get there. I know you're trying to say don't rush into anything and regret it later. But I think there's got to be a better way to say it.

There's a lot I've learned recently but the number one thing is all I really want is someone to talk to that I feel like gets it. That understands the constant ache. That can just listen when I need to cry or to vent. I don't need many words. There aren't any that would make it better. I don't need pity or fear. I can't deal with your fear and my own.

The Background: A Broken Heart

So, I've really debated writing this post. I actually was going to start a new blog just for this so I could write a little bit more anonymously. But thinking about it this is a pretty big secret so why not use this blog ... not to mention all the names I want are taken on Blogger and Wordpress and I'd end up with some name that included my initials or random numbers and that just loses something. No one wants to be xyzblog2.com - lame. And I need to get all this out - correction I need to have a place to get this out. Writing is the only thing that's ever really helped me work through things. I can express myself without hearing any comments or looking at someone. So I'm hoping this will be therapeutic.

So here it goes... This will be multiple blog posts... warning you now.

I was born with a hole in my heart. I never really thought about it because I was a baby and don't remember it. But I guess that's pretty scary. Growing up it was just something that happened. It sounded kind of cool like a scar - only you can't see it. But apparently for my parents it was pretty terrible. The doctor actually told my parents they couldn't guarantee I'd live eight months. Thinking about that and knowing my parents is heart-breaking. I know how much they wanted a baby and I can't imagine suddenly getting one only to know that losing her is a very real probability.

Luckily for me, my hole closed on its own. But I was left with a bad valve that leaked. I went to the doctor, I take meds once a day and I can't lift heavy weights. I went through life pretty much blissfully ignorant. It was a mild inconvenience that resulted in a few catherizations, meds and a doctor's visit once a year. Life was good. I don't consider myself to be sick and you probably couldn't tell I had anything majorly wrong by looking at me. I look normal. I don't have scars. I don't have tubes coming out of my chest. I've never had surgery (I don't count the catherizations). I don't have that many restrictions. I consider myself healthy.

So here is secret one. I haven't told many people because I don't believe (usually) in airing out everything. My husband and I have been talking about having a baby. He was more serious than I was. I'll admit that. I liked the idea. I liked the thought of a little baby that looked like us - not so secretly I wanted her to have my dark hair and his blue eyes. I had names picked. But that was as far as I would take it. Babies change things and I don't like change. Babies would make it hard to meet up with friends after work, or go out on weekends. I would have to plan things out. All I could think was the negatives. But I agreed that January would be a good time to get serious. Maybe because secretly I knew I needed a time frame to get settled with the idea.

Secret two would be I may look healthy but really I'm not...

I knew because of my heart it would take some planning. I'd always known I'd be a high-risk but I figured that meant a precaution and I'd get a few extra photos of the baby and maybe better hospital food. So I went to my heart doctor this year and I asked... "we're thinking about having a baby. What do I need to do now?" And I got nothing. It was probably the worse feeling in the world, sitting there to silence. Sitting there and feeling like everything is collapsing. That's the day my world tilted and it hasn't been the same since. I can look at it now and realize that was the last time I was probably truly and utterly carefree happy. That was the last time I didn't want a baby. He ordered tests.

I found out what I have. That's a plus. It's a bicuspid aortic valve with mild to moderate regurgitation and a dilated aortic root. Quite the mouthful. Google it. I've learned the Internet is a minefield of bad news. There's nothing positive about what I have. It's doom and gloom and surgery and mortality rates. The Internet would have me believe I should be lying in bed thanking God I'm even alive. It's frankly depressing.

And the tests? Well, I should save it for another blog. But one tests has led to hours of research. Calls to other hospitals. Consultations. And a whole hell of a lot of bad news. I'm really hoping that writing about this will not only help me but maybe help someone else out there in the same boat feeling alone and helpless. Because I've learned that feeling alone, helpless and hopeless is pretty much the most depressing feeling there is. And the one thing I pray for besides peace (for myself the Middle East is on their own), a miraculous recovery and the standard safety/happiness for my family and friends is someone else out there that I can talk to that has been through this and can honestly say it gets better. I want someone like me writing a blog somewhere that I can relate to. So that is part one.