Do or Don't - Vacationing with Friends?

So I've been horrible at blogging recently...maybe because I've been going to the gym more often than a Victoria Secret model before the week of the runway show... well maybe not that much but five times a week. And I can't help but brag a bit because even I am impressed with myself. And while I haven't lost that much weight (hello muscle weighs more than fat - just keep repeating)... I have lost inches and a dress size in a month! Even more cheers from me. My goal all along was to be a solid 2-4 instead of a solid 4-6 and last week I bought my first skirt in a 2 in I don't know how many years. I did a victory dance in the dressing room but then harassed the sales lady because I wanted to make sure it fit and I wasn't just cramming the skirt over a muffin top. And this all leads me to... vacation. Because why get in shape if I can't show it off in skimpy bathing suits. Joking of course (in case my husband is reading this). But I have always had a not so secret passion for bathing suits (perhaps one of the few women out there that doesn't dread bathing suit shopping. I live for it. I crave bathing suits as soon as Groundhog Day safely passes)... and so I'm now craving a vacation like no other. (And maybe a few cute new suits to come along for the ride).

Some place like this maybe....

That's a pic of Aruba from our honeymoon. Ok it looks a little rainy and grey but I couldn't find my Bermuda photos on the new computer so this will have to do.

And all this leads me to - we want to vacation with friends this year. Part of me loves the idea. We went with this particular group of friends a few years ago and had a blast but part of me also dreads the idea of going anywhere with friends.

Why? You ask.

I think friends' vacations can go two ways - really great (we had a blast, we love each other now, we're besties for life, look at our cool snapshots) or really bad (I freaking hate that girl, she takes five hours to get ready for the beach, we had to plan out every micro-second of the trip). I've decided you have to be careful about who you vacation with and maybe the best idea is to test the waters with a weekend get-away. (I'd love to go to the Bahamas with you for a week but not in the budget... how about Nags Head for two days).

A mini-getaway is perfect. You get the person out of their element and you see if the two of you can gel for more than the time it takes to get a few cocktails. I know of a few friends off hand that I love to death but know personality-wise we'd kill each other before the week is up. Mini weekend maybe - week hells no.

The perfect friends to travel with (for me anyway) must meet the following criteria:

• Fun to be around - hello no one wants to hang out with Negative Nelly all week. I don't want to hear about every problem in your life as you throw back your tenth margarita before 9 am. I'm on vacation we can dissect your life when we get home. (Sounds bad yes - but let's just relax and have fun).
• Which brings me to point 2 on my list. I want someone in between hardcore party animal and in bed by nine. I don't need to be carrying you back from the hotel bar (I'm not in college anymore) but I do want to have a good time. If I have to worry about your ass drowning in the kiddie pool because you've downed too many tropical drinks you're off my vacay list. And on the opposite end - if you can't miss CSI and Survivor for one week and have to still meet your 9 pm bedtime then maybe you should take your vacay at home in front of your TV. Let's party like rockstars  err aging rockstars that don't want to end up on TMZ and still want to function in the morning.
• I don't want to be micro-managed. It's a vacation. I need someone who isn't going to hit the ground running with an itinerary the size of my suitcase (and since you've never seen my suitcase let's just say I sit on it to close it and weigh it to make sure it's under 50lbs). That being said after a day at the beach I'm ready to sight see within reason so I can't deal with someone who's perfectly fine to just work on their tan all week. Picky? Maybe. But I'm Goldilocks - I want someone whose just right.
• You can't get mad if I want to do my own thing. If we're going with another couple... I don't know maybe I want to have some alone time with the hubs and don't need two third wheels tagging along. I'm not going to get mad when you want to have a romantic dinner and you can't get mad I didn't invite you to tour the ruins with us. We'll catch up over breakfast the next day and have something to talk about.
• Our ideas have to semi-match. If you want the Four Seasons and gourmet dinners and I'm trying to stay at a Days Inn and hit up iHop this isn't going to work out. I want to make sure what I want to spend and what you want to spend is the same. Don't just say oh... you know inexpensive. Inexpensive to me might be $1,000 for the week and inexpensive to you might be $5,000. I want a clear budget in mind before we start planning. And lets agree on where we want to go - if I want tropical and you want Alaska... then I don't know maybe we should go on separate trips and chat when we get back?

I think that's my list. What would be on yours?

And all that being said... help me come up with some amazing vacation ideas that come in at a reasonable price. I'm loving the vacation articles that boast affordable vacays and it ends up being $5,000 a person for the week. Affordable... really?? For Jennifer Aniston maybe.

Deal Breakers

It's been awhile since I've had to think about deal breakers and let's be completely honest when I started dating my husband in college there wasn't a lot on my list. My nice to have lists were probably pretty shallow and revolved around someone who could afford to take me to dinner since my allowance wasn't covering it. My deal breakers did include no jerks, no kids (not that hard when you're 18), but I'm sure it also included things like can't be insanely overweight or stupid.

Talking to a friend today, the subject came up as a joke. She said something to the effect that I was lucky that K didn't have any ex-wives that I had to deal with. I replied, that's pretty easy to do considering we met when I was 18. An ex would have been a major deal breaker at that age.

Now, even though I don't need to worry about it my list would read something like this. Deal breakers: ex-wives, children (I'm just not ready to take on my own child much less someone else's), lack of a job, stupid (conversation is important), eats junk constantly (a little junk food is ok but if you constantly have a pizza in one hand a donut in the other - hit the gym then call me), is a jerk (this is why when I actually watched The Bachelorette I fell for Ryan - the nice guys can finish first)... Must love dogs (I'm just not a cat person), must be funny and not take themselves to seriously, must care about others but not be a pushover, be smart about money, makes good decisions... I could probably keep going.

Sure, deal breakers can seem like this shallow list of traits that men/women meet and you can check off. But I think it can be a good thing. How can you really commit to someone without a clear list of what you want and don't want? It drives me crazy to hear stories about people getting divorced over religion or kids - didn't you talk about that before you got married? Did you think he would change his mind about wanting eight children when you want zero? Or did you think he'd suddenly convert for you? I'm a firm believer that people only change so much. So you need to go into a relationship knowing what you'll put up with (the occasionally dirty laundry on the floor) and what you won't (five baby mamas).

Maybe we need deal breakers and must haves in other areas of our lives. My ideal job has flexible hours, the option to work from home, is creative... My ideal friend compliments my personality (as in we go together not she's dishing compliments left and right), is intelligent, someone that other people want to be around, is a good person... My ideal place to live is close to my parents and my in-laws, is on the beach, is warm... All that does is clarify what you're looking for, things you can settle on and the non-negotiable.

This all being said if your must have list is must be a Victoria Secret's model, a doctor, drive a Porsche, have multiple vacation homes... you know all the shallow stuff that at the end of the day isn't important - than I suggest you examine your own priorities before you make any sort of commitment to others.

So what do you think? Do you have deal breakers and must haves?

Random Musing - Selling Yourself

My dad was telling me a story the other day about when he first moved to the county where he grew up. I guess he went to his mom and said something about being scared that he couldn't make new friends. And he said his mom told him, he had to go out there and sell himself and make people want to be his friend.

Now, I never met his mom, she died before I was born. But I think that statement is pretty telling. It shows something about a person. And the thing is the statement is true.

You can mope around all you want about how your life is miserable and no one likes you. It won't change a damn thing. And you know what - no one will like you because you can't sell yourself. Who wants to hang out with the kid who looks like someone kicked him? No one.

People want to hang out with people that make them feel good. That push them to be better people. Someone they connect with and can share things with. People that are out there doing cool things. That's what that statement means.

I've taken it to heart recently and decided to put myself out there more. So what if someone says no. It doesn't matter. The only way you'll ever know something is if you try. That statement really made me think hard about myself. Do I sell myself? Am I someone I'd want to be friends with? My first agenda item is just signing up for that darn spin class at gym that scares the pants off me and just trying it. So what if I'm the girl in the back dying as she barely clings to a bike. At least I did it. If I can conquer spin class - I can probably conquer the world. (Or at the very least I read you can burn upwards of 600 calories an hour - size 0 jeans here I come).... All kidding aside, spin is good for a few reasons - I'll see new people, I'll be exercising (who doesn't love some good ass-kicking cardio???), and I'm doing something new. And trying something new gets you outside your box. Gives you something interesting to talk about. So we'll see how it goes.

The thing is - you can't come across a desperate loser in search of a new BFF. But it's ok to ask someone to coffee. Or tell someone how fabulous you are (within reason - no five hour convo about how great you look when you wake up). Or join a new group. The more you push yourself the easier it will be. Let go of all that negativeness.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever heard?

Where Do You Fall?

I've come to realize something as you get older you unwittingly fall into groups. Admittedly there are subgroups within any group. But I think there are a few main groups: Single And Loving It (SALI), Just Dating (JD), Married No Kids (MNK), and Married With Kids (MWK). The problem is a MNK is a bit trapped in the middle of all these groups with no real place to call home.

Let's explain:

You aren't a SALI - sure going out to bars and staying up until all hours of the night talking about bad dates and fashion can be fun but you have a ring wrapped firmly around your finger which clearly states for all the singles you moved past a bad date. To them you can't relate. You're the married friend they call occasionally for a Girl/Guy Night Out or when they want to go to a movie, or when they want to test drive a new boyfriend with a couple's date. You cannot be their go-to guy or gal pal because you simply do not have the time or energy to commit to them.

The JDs might have been dating two weeks, two months or two years. They fall happily into coupledom and can flirt back and forth between the SALIs and the MNK pretty easily. They are one bad fight away from being a SALI and one romantic night away from being a MNK. They can relate to either group. The thing with JDs - they aren't reliable to either group. They still remember their SALI days and want to live it up but they also like cuddling on the sofa and meeting other couples for wine. They are just as stuck as MNKs because they haven't fully committed to each other or a group. They're so wrapped up in their new special someone they don't have the energy to reach out to anyone but solid BFFs. Acquaintances, groups and miscellaneous extras fall by the roadside as they are swept up in that new love glow.

And the MWKs. Those little bundles of joy came complete with their own network of friends. They bond over play dates and messy diapers. The other three groups simply can't relate to every aspect of parenthood because no matter how much you want to claim that dog, cat or fish is just like a baby - it simply isn't. The MWKs don't need the other three groups of friends as much. This ready made group they hopped into with baby in tow is usually enough. Just as SALIs, JDs, and MNKs can't relate to them - those endless nights of gossip fest, shopping sprees and barhopping are nothing but a distant memory. Sure, they can scrounge up enough money for a babysitter occasionally but most parents won't ditch their kid with a pimply-faced 15 year old and party like a rock star or take weekend trips every time the girls/guys call excitedly with new plans. Nights out without kids are treats and most likely are saved for that special once a month date night.

And the MNKs. I'll be just as honest even if I am in this group myself. We're trapped. As I said we're not a SALI, JD or MWK. We're simply married. We may have ventured into test parenthood with puppies and kittens but we're not fully committed to giving up our independence for a screaming baby. As I like to say puppies can be locked in kitchens when I go out... with babies someone would call social services. We can relate to the MWKs but sometimes it feels like too much work. Not that we don't love children but you inevitably will get the when are you going to have a little bundle of joy question because if there is one thing about MWKs they want the rest of the world to quickly follow suit and join them. And as I mentioned with the SALIs... we may want to think we're still young and hip enough to hang with the best of them but at some point you can't relate to bad date number 48 or that crazy night that was just like college. Besides SALIs are the most independent. They can get up and go and as much as a MNK, JD or MWK might not want to admit it - we simply can't. We're one half of a partnership. You owe something to that person to come home occasionally and have dinner and watch Netflix. And as boring as that sounds - there is also something to say about saving money (no more huge bar tabs and expensive dinner outs) and consistency (that story about your no good really awful bad day has a listener).

The thing is being an MNK and wanting to meet some new friends - I think it's one of the hardest groups to meet people. The JDs are just single enough to still cling to their SALI friends. SALIs seem to have an endless round of BFFs that filter in and out of their lives like a casting call. They can easily commit to this group or that and its easier to meet people without someone else in tow. And MWK can use those little tots as instant glue to friendship (play dates and mommy's morning out anyone). MNKs have to search each other out and then you have to hope that your significant other likes your potential friends significant other. Do you know how hard it is to maintain a friendship when your husband simply does not want to spend time with said friends husband/fiance/boyfriend? You end up fighting a losing battle. Said boys have little or nothing in common, while the girls cling desperately to the hope they can bond over baseball or Dexter or something equally as ridiculous. The same is true for the guys though - they may hope you bond with their friends new gal pal but there is only so much chatting about reality TV and Loft that even I can take. If you can't find some common ground hobby gal pal will never move pass acquaintance you put up with for the husband.

I'll continue this thread another day but these are my initial thoughts. What do you think? Do you agree? Would you add a group or add something to my descriptions of the groups?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...

It sounds bad to say this but I've had a few BFF in my life. And the worse part - those BFF's... well at various points things have gone there separate ways. Granted not all of it was a bad break with I hate yous and name calling (but there were a few). A lot of it just happened because of time or growing up or people changing or a combination of all three.

Take my best friend from high school - A - for instance. A and I were pretty inseparable, she lived right behind me, we rode the same bus, went to the same school... you get the drift. But then I graduated and went to college and she was two years behind. It just happened. I stopped coming home as much. She couldn't relate to college and I couldn't relate to high school. It wasn't a bad break - we just slowly stopped talking.

On the other hand, there was KC. We were BFF from kindergarten. She also lived in my neighborhood. Also rode my bus. She and I were always over each others houses. I had the big playroom and she would tell me secrets about boys (she had two older brothers). In middle school, KC met a new group of friends. If you've ever seen the movie Mean Girls - that pretty much sums up that group. KC and I also hung out with a third girl. The Mean Girls basically said and KC backed them up - we could only hang out if we ditched the third girl. That didn't seem very nice and I told her so... You can imagine how that went.

And most recently, there was CC. CC and I were college roommates. I think from the moment we met there was a bond. People in college joked if you found one of us, you'd find the other. Let's just say we had a falling out and I apologized for my part in it but when I asked for an apology from her... I haven't heard back.

The thing is, CC's break-up is the freshest. And it sounds strange to say because I was so angry a few months ago (and there are a lot of times when I don't see eye to eye on all of CC's actions) but I miss her. It's a lot like breaking up with a BF. You're with each other 90% of the time and then all of a sudden - you aren't. You always go through this period of - we may get back together - should I call him - he's a jerk... And it's the same with friends. This part of my heart is a bit battered, lonely and missing that other person that knows you so well you can just glance at each other and say volumes. I've debated reaching out to her but I know some other friends and the husband would probably think I'm crazy. And the truth is she hasn't reached out to me since I apologized.... so maybe she doesn't want to be friends. But maybe she's sitting at home missing me too and we're just too stubborn to admit it.

The thing with break-ups is - at some point you have to decide to either let them go or dive back in. With and A and KC, I never dove back in. With A, we've traded a few emails sporadically and the occasional FB (aka Facebook) reach out but that's been it. We live in different states so it might as well be college and high school all over again. And KC, I don't know whatever happened to her. I haven't even gotten that random FB friend request. But CC, it hasn't been that long that I couldn't reach out and say hi and at least be friendly if not friends. But just like a break-up, you have to try to remember why you broke up to begin with. Was their crime so heinous you can't be friends. Or was it a minor offense? At this point... I'm not sure.